


Shampoo Bottles

by essiisse



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Drinking, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, Hinata Shouyou is Sunshine, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Post Brazil Arc, Post-Break Up, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi Friendship, Tsukishima Kei Needs a Hug, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, i wanted to write angst but i cant let them suffer for too long, kinda set after the jackadlers match
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:40:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24364462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/essiisse/pseuds/essiisse
Summary: I've been leaving you in radio silenceWaited long enough that I could never call youBaby, how fucked is that?It has been almost a month since they broke up. Kei hasn’t called, hasn’t thought about him. At all. Why can't he let go of it, then? It's all because of that stuff left around his house.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 34
Kudos: 224
Collections: seigrid's recommended fics





	1. I would’ve chucked it out

**Author's Note:**

> hello my loves ♡
> 
> so this is kind of based on peach pit's song [shampoo bottles](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCi9I7ylt14) but it also has an independent plot as well. there will be some verses of the song thrown in the middle of the fic. also, the parts in italics are flashbacks. finally, this is set on the current final arc of the manga, so there will be some mentions about what's happening in the middle of this. be aware of that!
> 
> anyway, enjoy the reading \ (•◡•) /

Kei woke up that day with his head pounding. He rolled on his bed, burying his face on the pillows and lightly kicking the blankets that were tangled up with his feet. He wasn’t being able to get a good night of sleep, these past few weeks.

When he opened his eyes, Kei was facing the empty side of his bed, sheets just as messy as the rest of the bed, even if he didn’t sleep on that side. The spare pillow on the other side was lying on the middle of the bed, its sides wrinkled. Kei had probably hugged it in his sleep. He groaned when another sharp pain ran through his skull, pressing the heel of his palm against his forehead and hissing uncomfortably. The bed was cold but, for a few minutes, Kei refused to get up, holding the blankets on a tight fist and bunching the fabrics closer to him.

When looking at the empty spot beside him became too much, Kei adverted his eyes, finally getting rid of the blankets and sitting on the edge of his bed, broad back facing the messy bed. He raked a hand through his face and sighed, looking at his window, at his poorly closed blinds. He must have forgotten to close them properly the night before. The light that streamed through it, though, was greyish at best, the cloudy sky and the harsh winds outside hinting on an approaching storm.

He reached for his glasses on the nightstand, putting them on and clearing the blurred edges of his vision. Beside the ordinary nightstand, Hinata’s cellphone charger was still hanging from the wall. Kei still hasn’t chucked it out, as one would think, and Hinata hasn’t came back for it.

–

_“Why are you climbing over me?” Kei huffed when Shouyou threw his small body over his._

_Yes, Shouyou had gained some inches in height and packed a lot of muscle over the course of all the years they knew each other, but on Kei’s eyes, he was still a midget, always so short. And yet, he still drew so much attention, boundless energy and beauty condensed in one small body._

_“I’m trying to get my phone.” He answered, wiggling his body further until he could plug his phone out of its charger, unlocking the screen. “There’s no socket on my side of the bed.”_

_“Can’t you just get up from the bed and get it like a normal person?” He complained half-heartedly, letting one small smile make its way on his lips. Although the protests, Kei loved to have Shouyou’s body pressed against his, and when Shouyou started to pull away to lay once again by his side, Kei circled his arms around his boyfriend’s waist, tugging him close and keeping him over his own body._

_“This is better, don’t you think?” Shouyou replied smugly, turning his bright eyes to him and smiling largely, sunshine filtering through the open window, casting uneven shadows on his tanned skin._

_Shouyou kissed him then, all enthusiasm on a lazy morning, phone laying forgotten by their side as lips moved and hands caressed skin._

–

Kei shook his head as stupid memories took his brain space, finally pushing his body up and moving towards his bathroom. He ignored the charger. He didn’t dare look back at his bed.

Kei looked at the reflected image of his own face on his mirror, purposely adverting his eyes from the dark circles beneath his tired eyes, ugly results of poor sleeping habits. He proceeded to wash his face and, when he was done, he searched inside the bathroom cabinets for some medication. He dryly swallowed an aspirin for his headache and reached for his toothbrush, fingers softly hitting the other toothbrush kept there. Hinata’s toothbrush still was at his bathroom sink and the obnoxious orange of it irked Kei beyond measure.

He clicked his tongue as he spread toothpaste on the brush, looking away.

After finishing his morning routine, Kei wandered to his small kitchen, intent on starting breakfast and getting some food on him. Some fresh coffee would do him some good, as well. He calmly started reaching for what he needed, silently, lonely preparing his food.

Routine was something that grounded him and made him calmer. To follow the steps and to do the same thing he did every day were, in a way, comforting. Moreover, it prevented Kei from thinking about ginger hair and too large smiles, wandering hands and bending down, and the warmth that he didn’t have anymore.

“Tch.” Kei clicked his tongue, refusing to acknowledge his inconvenient and bothersome thoughts, still slicing a couple of strawberries with practiced moves of his wrist.

He added the sliced strawberry to a bowl of yogurt, opening a cabinet to search for his jar of honey only to find it empty. He sighed and threw the jar away. He was about to close the cabinet when he saw another jar there, shoved to the side. Kei took it and analyzed the label, realizing it was Hinata’s.

It seemed that all of Hinata’s stuff wanted to stick around; saturating his house with stupid shit he didn’t want. It was worsened everyday, Kei found more things by the minute. By then, almost a month after they broke up, three weeks and two days of radio silence, Kei would have chucked it all out. But it seemed to want to stick around.

He figured he could eat his yogurt and strawberry with Hinata’s honey, as to not waste it. When he led the spoon to his mouth, it was freaking trash, all that organic, good-for-athletes shit from one of Hinata’s health food stores. It stuck on his tongue and made his simple bowl taste overly sweet, taste like homesickness and longing and everything that was good and had gone to waste.

His cup of coffee didn’t disappoint him, though. His coffee tasted like it always did and Kei nursed it gladly. His coffee wasn’t accompanied by unwanted memories, Hinata hadn’t claimed that, like he claimed everything else in Kei’s life.

–

_“Here, I made you coffee.” Shouyou said, handing him a mug of steaming dark liquid. He settled on the couch together with Kei, adapting their contradicting bodies until he was sitting between Kei’s long legs, back resting against his boyfriend’s chest._

_Kei took a sip from the coffee and spluttered. “It tastes like shit.”_

_Shouyou only laughed, bright and loud and completely unbothered, and rested his head on the broad chest behind him, closing his eyes. “Don’t drink it, then. Put it there.” He motioned to the coffee table beside the couch, grasping Kei’s free hand and playing with his long, skinny fingers, tracing his bony hand and his protruding knuckles._

_“I’m not moving.” He finally announced._

_And he didn’t. Shouyou kept on warming his cold fingertips with his heated ones, setting them on fire, eyes closed, relishing on that moment._

_And Kei let him, drinking the rest of his coffee._

–

Kei sighed, getting up from his couch and entering the kitchen once again, this time to wash his dishes and organize the space. He focused his eyes on the sink, on his hands dealing with dirty dishes and water running through his fingers, not daring to look anywhere else.

His flat was like that. Full of corners even fuller with memories he didn’t want to look at, didn’t want to dig into those small, cramped spaces and clean them up. Hinata was so far away now, but for some reason, he still felt as present as ever, hidden in the walls and in every stupid object he left behind in his wake. It was hard to pretend he wasn’t there, because he was, enveloped in the air around Kei like an invisible reminder of everything he lost.

So Kei refused to look at those painful edges – where one wall met the other and reminded him of the way Hinata had jumped on his arms and locked his legs around his waist and snaked his arms around his neck –, at his uncomfortable, cheap furniture – where Hinata had kissed him like he was something special, like Kei meant the world to him. But as much as Kei sensed Hinata in his space, he wasn’t there anymore, not physically. Not in any way. Except for the way he haunted Kei day and night with no break whatsoever. It was his own fault, after all, and Kei was doomed to sit alone with only Hinata’s stuff to keep him company.

That was why Kei kept his head down. He kept his head down and washed his dishes.

When he was done with cleaning, his apartment still felt as oppressive and stifling as it did since sunshine no longer shone over it. He quickly went to his bedroom and got dressed in jeans and in a large cream-colored sweatshirt, breathing deeply through his nose and forcing everything to remain bottled up. In a couple of minutes, he was at his front door, lacing his sneakers with nimble fingers and grabbing his phone, headphones and a couple of canvas bags, figuring he needed to go grocery shopping.

Stepping onto the street, Kei felt like he could breathe properly. The air around him was cold, the bleak wind messing his hair and slowly numbing his fingertips. Kei hated it and it seemed that winter that year was going to be a harsh one. Looking up at the sky as some random playlist blasted through his headphones, Kei noted that it was probably going to rain that day. He just hoped he would be back home when it started, refusing to go back to his flat to catch an umbrella.

Being out on the street was both refreshing and afflicting. Refreshing in the sense that he didn’t have to deal with finding more of Hinata’s stuff mingled with his own, but afflicting since he didn’t felt like seeing people, all Kei felt like doing was crawling beneath covers and chasing warmth that he couldn’t have anymore.

Entering the market he usually frequented, Kei set his mind to what he needed to buy, grabbing a basket and moving further into the store. He was in and out of the aisles with a trained pragmatism, adding what he needed to his basket and letting himself indulge in a few unhealthy cravings. He was unmindful of his surroundings, everybody else neglected by his muffled ears. Isolated between his headphones and with his eyes focused on the shelves in front of him, Kei kept on shopping, choosing fresh vegetables and checking if there wasn’t any broken eggs on the carton he picked.

He finished his trip after getting some milk and a couple of chocolate bars, heading to the checkout and paying for his groceries. When he was done, putting everything inside his cotton bags, Kei smiled briefly, forcibly at the cashier and left the store.

As he started walking back, Kei stopped by a bakery located one block away from his flat. It sold countless flavors of cakes and pies and, Kei would be able to advocate, their strawberry shortcake was one of the best he had tried, each bite a piece of heavenly sweetness. Feeling like he deserved to spoil himself a bit, as to compensate for all the instants of painful reminders and uncalled reminiscences, Kei decided to buy himself some sweets.

He entered the bakery and asked for a few slices of his favorite sweet to takeaway with him, ignoring the amount of fat that each slice contained and how many he was buying. Kei didn’t care about anything at that point. He proceeded to pay for his purchase, finally taking the paper bag one of the bakery workers handed him and leaving the shop.

As he crossed the street, Kei’s eyes fell on the red Corolla making a turn on his street and driving away. It was an old model, from the nineties or early two-thousands – it wasn’t like Kei was well-versed on cars –, a lot similar to the one he and Hinata had rented once for a road trip towards the south. At that time, even if the car wasn’t theirs, Hinata had decorated the rear-view mirror with some hippie bullshit of his, some sort of keychain that combined a volleyball, a dream filter and a tiny souvenir from his years in Brazil. Kei had asked what the hell was he doing and, in response, Hinata had only turned those bright eyes and unfazed smile to him and shrugged, not having an answer himself. And Kei had went with it, just like he always did.

The memory of that particular trip hurt more deeply than the usual everyday reminders that plagued him. It hurt a lot to think about the way they saved money _together_ , about the way Kei had meticulously planned a simple extended weekend while Hinata believed they had to adventurously go with the flow. Kei didn’t want to think about their shared meals and how they went to bed _together_ and woke up _together_ , on the same bed, for a handful of wonderful days. It specially hurt to remember the feel of Hinata’s palm constantly pressed against his own, hands swinging back and forth while they walked. It hurt to recall and long for the feeling of Hinata’s heated skin under his starved fingers. Most of all, it hurt so fucking bad to miss the way Hinata kissed him, passionate, unrushed, languid, like they had all the time in the world in their hands, theirs to control.

And then, there was no _together_ , no _them_ , no touch or time left.

Kei ran the rest of the way home, groceries jumping inside the bags and hitting each other in his hastiness. Kei told himself he was only rushing to avoid and escape the upcoming rain when he felt wetness on his cheeks.

–

_“You are so pretty.”_

_Fingers being buried on blond hair, tugging softly, honeyed eyes focused only on him, intimate warmth held close, lips kissing and whispering pretty, addicting promises._

_“I want forever with you. I love you so much.”_

–

Closing the front door behind himself, Kei looked down as he discarded his shoes on the genkan. His glasses’ lenses were moist and Kei clicked his tongue, taking them off. He stowed his groceries inside the fridge and cabinets, deciding to take a bath for lack of better things to do. His weekends – since he didn’t have to go to the museum to work – were by far the worse, when each free time was a pass to the reminiscence to occupy his head once again.

Overall, that was the way Kei dealt with it, searching for useless activities to keep his mind off things, overeating sweets, sleeping in the afternoon and being unable during the night. Furthermore, Kei avoided his phone as much as he could, only answering his brother’s and Yamaguchi’s unnecessary and overly worried texts and the occasional ones from Yachi. It wasn’t like Kei missed Hinata, he didn’t and he wasn’t tempted _at all_ to text or call him, but looking at his current lock screen reminded him way too much of the one he had before.

Discarding his clothes, Kei filled his bathtub with hot water and got inside, sighing in satisfaction at the warm water against his cold skin. His legs were too long, though, and he had to keep his knees bent to be able to fit inside the tub. He slid down until his nape was resting over the edge of the bathtub, eyes slipping closed. While he relished the hot water, Kei heard the rain begin to pour outside, the white noise of drops of water hitting the pavement filling the silent space. He squeezed his eyes shut when he also felt drops of salted water escaping through his already closed eyelids.

Everything felt extremely peaceful in comparison with the mess going on inside Kei’s head, with the way his chest tightened with regret and the anguish of a lost love. The way the rain was calm and soothing, the way warm water caressed his numb skin gently, the way his tears fell silently, everything felt wrong.

He felt like screaming at himself, scratching at his own skin with hate, but he pushed the ugly desires down, for they were useless, they wouldn’t bring Hinata back to him. He blinked his eyes open, looking up at the white ceiling and wishing he could become like that, bare, devoid of anything, good or bad.

Just exist in this world and not be a disappointment every damn time.

Hinata’s shampoo bottles were left over in one corner, sitting empty on the bathtub rail. By their side, there was a crumb of fancy soap, the one Hinata liked to rub on his shoulders and neck. Somehow, they were all citric scented and Kei hated how he – just looking at the greenish bottle – was able to remind him of the way Hinata’s tangerine curls smelled like, fresh and barely sweet.

Kei took the small piece of used soap and placed it in his large open palm, letting the scent of it occupy his nostrils deftly. As he started rubbing his skin with Hinata’s abandoned soap, Kei remembered how the neon cream of the shampoo always sat on Hinata’s palm before he spread it on his unkempt hair, proudly stating that he could keep his eyes open, since that was a children’s shampoo, designed to not hurt one’s eyes. Hinata was a child through and through and Kei could only pretend – vainly, most of the time – to be exasperated by that fact.

Even before, during high school years, Hinata’s hair already smelled like citrus fruits, tropical and refreshing like a summer day.

–

_Kei was in his third year when he couldn’t deny it anymore._

_On top of that, Yamaguchi seemed to be well aware of it. Every time he deemed it necessary, he would direct a look and a knowing smirk at his best friend with his newly acquainted captain skills. It was unnerving to be on the receiving end on that stare but, most of the time, Kei pretended it wasn’t directed at him._

_However, as much as he wanted to, Kei couldn’t deny how his eyes were drawn to the glowing light that Hinata Shouyou was, eyes constantly shifting behind corrective lenses to catch glimpses of his beauty. The way he moved on the court, the way he gesticulated too much when he spoke, the way he was able to crawl under Kei’s skin like no one else could, the way he jumped so high he might as well call it flying, the way he smiled; everything about him was beautifully enrapturing, blinding Kei on a daily basis. Furthermore, he definitely couldn’t pretend that he was watching Hinata just as a teammate, analyzing his progress on court as someone that shared the same position, when his eyes wandered through his body without his permission, lingering on defined thighs and pretty ankles._

_Nevertheless, the fact that Kei realized and accepted his feelings for Hinata, it did not mean that he was going to do something about it. Hinata was so far ahead of him, now with plans to even go train beach volleyball in Brazil, far away from everyone and everything he knew. Additionally, Hinata was always attached to the hip with the king and it wasn’t like Kei stood a chance anyway._

_Therefore, he stayed silent about it, turning up his snarky comments towards the freak duo, all the while ignoring Yamaguchi._

_It all came to an end, though, during the golden week training camp in Tokyo._

_All teams were hanging out outside on the grass, eating onigiris and slices of watermelon while laying down, battling against the burning heat of the hot summer days. Even the wind was hot against their already heated skin, thus the refreshing pieces of fruit and cold water bottles were essential._

_Kei sat alone while Yamaguchi gave instructions to the first years, arms resting over his bent knees. Sweat rolled down his neck and under his shirt and everything Kei wanted in that moment was a refreshing shower._

_“Here, eat this.” Kei lifted his head when he realized he was being addressed, meeting Hinata with his arm thrusted in front of him, a piece of watermelon in his hand._

_“I already ate.”_

_“Captain sent me, so I’m following his orders.” Hinata shrugged, taking a seat by his side. “Come on, Skinnyshima, one piece of watermelon won’t kill you.”_

_“Tch.” But Kei took the fruit, biting it and refusing to admit that the sweetness and watery qualities of it were indeed pleasant on his tongue._

_After Hinata had finished his own piece of watermelon, he laid down on the grass, hands pillowing his head as he looked up at the sky. The sunset was quickly approaching, so it didn’t hurt one’s eyes to look at the bright, clean sky._

_Kei sneaked a peak at him from the corner of his eyes, observing how the amber, golden light illuminated Hinata in such a way that he seemed ethereal, untouchable. It was rare that Hinata remained silent for too long and, when he did, it was either mesmerizing or terrifying. Just like his own, Hinata’s hair was longer, his bangs falling over his eyes and spreading freely over the grass, the majestic orange of his hair coloring the dull ground, a few tufts of grass peeking out between the vibrant locks. He was so gorgeous, he sometimes looked like a deity, too pretty to be from the same world as Kei’s. He was so beautiful._

_Hinata huffed a small laugh then, shifting his eyes to the side to meet Kei’s, flushed cheeks and a spreading smile. Then, he whispered, “you are beautiful too”, words carried by the warm wind, making flowers bloom between Kei’s fingers just like they did at that time of the year, teenage hope latching inside his chest._

_Shit, had he said any of that aloud?_

_Kei was nothing but a scared boy, though, so he only clicked his tongue and got up, refusing to look back at Hinata’s eager expression and walking away. “What are you talking about?”_

_Later, after they had done extra practice with Yamaguchi and Kageyama, playing two-on-two matches while Yachi observed and took notes on the sides, the feeling of a future nostalgia was too present to be ignored. Soon, they would all follow different paths and the three high school years would become sweet memories to look back on. As they modified the pairs so that everyone got to be on the same team with everybody, Kei allowed himself the knowledge that he would miss those moments and all of his friends._

_It was bittersweet to think about that but, at that time, with the night approaching and stars flickering in the dark sky, Kei could only feel the sweet side on his tongue._

_When they finished practicing for the day, Kei and Hinata were forced to stay back and clean the gym, for they lost on jokenpo to the other two. After everything was put away and the balls stored, they made their way back to the dorms, in order to shower and sleep, another day of practicing ahead of them._

_“Tsukishima.” Hinata called halfway. “Can we talk?”_

_“I want to go shower, Hinata.” Kei replied nonchalantly, even when he was freaking out inside._

_“It will be quick.”_

_With a huff, Kei consented. They sat on the grass once again, now cold, the night breeze gently cooling their bodies, the moon glowing proudly and beautifully in the sky._

_“I’ll be direct.” He started. “I never learned how to be subtle about things, so you probably already realized how I feel. I want to say it, though.”_

_How Hinata felt? Wait, what?_

_“I held back those feelings for so long… it’s been so long since… I don’t even know for how long, they kinda became part of me.” He continued. “But I’m going away soon and- and before I leave, I wanted to know what answer I would get.”_

_“So yeah, this is what it looks like.” Hinata chuckled, Kei stunned into silence. “I’m confessing to you. I like you. I like you a lot. And, if… if you want me, I would like to be your boyfriend.”_

_Kei was never good with kind words; he only knew how to deal with them if they were bathed in sarcasm, so he only nodded dumbly, head spinning and guts somersaulting. “Yes, yes.” He whispered breathlessly, fingers itching to reach and touch._

_And when Hinata turned to him, smile as stunning as ever, joyful, relived, infatuated of all things, that was exactly what Kei did. He held Hinata’s face with his too large palms and placed his lips over Hinata’s, gently, shyly kissing the boy that was always unconsciously radiating warmth. Hinata smelled like exertion, sweat blended with tangerines, and Kei was addicted to the contradicting sweetness already._

–

Thinking about the day they started dating would do him no good, so Kei forcedly cleared his mind and got out of the tub, reaching for his towel. Those days, which Kei’s only concern was how they were going to manage a long distance relationship for so long, were long gone, and Kei missed his naivety.

After Kei left his bathtub, unclogging the drain to let his tears go down the drain with the rest of the water, he went back to his room in order to get dressed. There, in between his clothes, the hideous shirt Hinata had bought him as a souvenir from Rio was hanged. Kei looked at it, fingers tracing over its ugly sparkles and brushing the cheap fabric, feeling it in his hands. He contemplated wearing it, probably in one ridiculous attempt to feel somehow closer to Hinata, but decided not to, choosing a simple tee and old sweatpants instead.

By then, it was almost lunchtime and Kei decided to prepare instant noodles for himself, the best option for lazy, heartbroken people, be damned all the excess of sodium they contained. He went to his kitchen and started by boiling the water and taking the too colorful package he had bought that same day, separating its contents until he could put the noodles on the boiling water and, later, add the condiments.

Kei ate his lunch on his couch, legs tucked under a soft blanket while he stared at the pouring rain outside, fat droplets of water hitting his closed window and sliding down until they disappeared, the grey weather almost cinematically synced with his mood. He sighed and placed his bowl on the coffee table, having eaten only half of it.

Kei laid down on his couch and covered himself better with the blanket, looking up. His flat was too silent, too peaceful and Kei hated the sense of normalcy of everything. That, though, was probably his fault as well. How he faked everything was alright.

Yamaguchi had said to him that Kei shouldn’t feel the need to pretend to be fine, to be over it. He said that it was okay to feel sad over the break up and cry because of it and that nobody was expecting him to get rid of those affections in such a short period. Finally, Yamaguchi said that he was allowed to feel each feeling that came with losing someone, that he should witness the painful emotion and then, release it. If he only pushed it away from him, he wouldn’t be able to move on.

The thing was, Kei wasn’t sure if he wanted to move on.

Either way, that was why Kei hated reasonable people. People like Yamaguchi analyzed each situation with a clear head and felt the need to shove that fact in other people’s faces. The worst thing was that Kei knew his best friend was right, but he was too afraid to lose and let go of what he felt for Hinata. He wanted those feelings forever latched onto his lungs; he didn’t want them to become memories of one lover that got away in between other lovers.

He wanted Hinata to be his only lover.

But that wasn’t an option anymore, was it?

“Shit.” Kei cursed softly to himself, feeling another headache approaching. He squeezed the bridge of his nose with his fingers, willing the pain to go away. He needed to get over this, get himself together, compose himself, _whatever_ ; he had a life to live and he couldn’t go on like this. He had work and his own season of games and, with Hinata constantly occupying his thoughts, he couldn’t possibly keep a cool head.

The most ironic thing of it all, the downright funny side of their relationship, was that they managed a long distance relationship during the two years that Hinata was in Brazil, only to proximity to ruin them. Back then, before moving to the other country, Hinata had claimed with certainty that they could handle it and that he wasn’t about to let Kei go after just getting him. _“I pinned for so long, I think I can deal with a long distance relationship”_ he had said once, curled around Kei on his bed while they relished their last moments alone before Hinata left, hugging each other. And, in the end, he was right. They did managed it. Hinata was always so simple minded and Kei was too young and too in love to question him about anything.

It was a shame, really, that they couldn’t make it work when there wasn’t oceans and continents between them. Maybe distance, the ache of longing, was what worked for them. But that thought hurt, Kei wanted him close, it was just his luck that when he got Hinata back, he was the one to drive him away.

–

_“Can you hear me?” Shouyou’s voice rang against his ears, his image a bit blurred as Kei searched for a spot on the university with good wi-fi._

_“Yeah, just a second.”_

_Kei left the building he was in and sat on the grass outside, resting his back against the wall as he looked at the image of Hinata on his phone. He was tanner than the last time they talked, hair trimmed and vibrant as ever, a fond smile spreading on his lips. He wore a tank top, his peeking collarbones and naked shoulders only teasing Kei in a barely appearance. Kei missed him like he never missed anything else in his life, he longed for the feeling of Shouyou’s small body pressed against his own, for his arms to wrap around his boy._

_“How are things over there?” Kei asked when he realized that his thoughts were getting overly sappy and that he and Shouyou were just looking at each other with equally stupid smiles._

_“You know, just like always.” He shrugged. “It’s very hot and pretty like it usually is. I’m going to send you some pictures later. Pedro took me to a museum the other day. Are you proud of me?”_

_“Ha.” Kei chuckled, surprised. “Yes, I’m very proud.”_

_And then Shouyou went on tangents about what he was doing, how he was playing beach volleyball and all the new things he was learning, which places he was visiting and all the new people he got to meet. He was there, alone, on the other side of the earth, twelve time zones separating them and limiting the time they had to talk. He was there, alone, and the world belonged in his hands, grasped tightly in the small realm of his palms._

_Realizing he was drifting again, Kei focused his eyes back on his boyfriend, only to find Shouyou already looking at him, a bittersweet smile on his lips then._

_“I learned this word in Portuguese the other day…” He started. “Supposedly, it’s a word that only exists in Portuguese? And like, you can’t really translate it? Saudade.” He finally said, his accent coating the syllables._

_“Oh, cool. What does it mean?”_

_“It’s the feeling of missing someone… or something. I guess.” He said. “Like, the word in itself sums up the desire to be somewhere or the melancholy of longing and… and also one’s attachment to someone. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.”_

_“I think I get it.” Kei said, words pushing against his tightening throat._

_They gazed at each other in silence then, memorizing each feature they couldn’t touch, for they were so far away. Saudade._

_“Eu estou com saudade de você.”_ _Shouyou said then, the foreign sounds distorted by his accent, by the technology that brought them closer, even if it felt like it wasn’t enough at all. Kei didn’t understand it, but he thought he could grasp what he meant._

_“I miss you too, Shouyou.”_

_“I'll be home soon. I'll be back to you.”_

–

Kei was pulled out of his reverie when he heard a door banging, somewhere along his building. That sound reminded him way too much of Hinata leaving, closing the door softly – which was worse, somehow – behind himself, a sense of finality to his actions. However, that was a day that Kei did not let himself think about too often, not while sober, at least, so he erased the troublesome images from his mind.

Kei missed Hinata so bad and, sometimes, the Portuguese word still rang inside his head in all its foreignness from time to time – reminding him that there was a word, in another language, that summed up what he felt all the time.

When he heard another door banging, Kei sprung up from his place on the couch. “Fuck it”, he murmured, walking towards his kitchen. It was too early to start drinking alcohol, but Kei didn’t care about that. In that moment, all Kei cared about was drowning his sorrows in intoxicating liquid, aiming to forget it all, but knowing it would only make him remember everything in great detail and badly miss it. He grabbed an unopened bottle of kahlúa – the only kind of alcoholic beverage he bothered to buy and have it at home – and set himself to prepare a simple drink with it. He decided to make a kahlúa iced coffee, mixing the liquor with a cold brewed coffee and milk, finally adding ice cubes to his glass.

The first sip of the beverage was comforting and refreshing, the familiar tones of it pleasantly filling his taste buds. Kei finished that first glass while still on his kitchen, hips pressed against the cold counter as his throat welcomed the indulgent drink.

He prepared another serving of it, then, and brought the bottle and everything else to sit with him on the couch again. This one, he nursed it gently, slower and languid, relishing each sip of it. Halfway through his third cup, Kei got up again and took one of the strawberry shortcakes he had bought. It was nice to be able to drink his favorite beverage and eat his favorite dessert, at least. If only that.

As Kei continued drinking more and more glasses of his drink, the inebriated state of mind slowly took over his body, limbs gradually becoming heavier at the same time that Kei felt lighter. In between mouthfuls of his strawberry shortcake, Kei emptied cup after cup, disregarding his rising intoxicated condition.

Without his reasoning to block each Hinata related thought, they popped up with no particular order inside his brain, flashes of bright memories and genuine smiles. Of warm touches and amber eyes. Of soft hair between his fingers and the sweet words of adoration. Hinata flashed before his eyes with his sunny smile, with his tanned, taunt skin. Kei could hear his loud laughter in his ears, hear it ringing in its edges. But he couldn’t touch him. Kei couldn’t grasp Hinata in his fingers, for he wasn’t there.

He existed only in Kei’s longing for him, in the memories that he could only replay and replay inside his mind. Like an awful mantra.

Sometime along the afternoon, Kei plugged his phone into his speaker system, playing some playlist for him to listen. It was amazing how miserable people felt the need to listen to sad songs, in an eccentric attempt to prolong one’s despairing grief.

As the music played, one song after the other, Kei kept on drinking and eating his sweets, unsure if he ignored the songs’ lyrics or his thoughts. Both of those were somehow irritating. When _Shrike_ by Hozier started playing, though, Kei knew that was a song he couldn’t listen to, not when he knew the verses and well-written words by heart. He couldn’t. Not when the song started with a sharp slap to Kei’s cheek, the words _“I couldn’t utter my love when it counted, ah but I’m singing like a bird ‘bout it now, I couldn’t whisper when you needed it shouted”_ hitting too close to his own reality and issues. As the song progressed, though, its soft guitar both soothing and agonizing, Kei let his thoughts wander as well. In some sort of self-inflicted agony, Kei let his martyrdom wash over his body and fill every hollow corner of it.

When Kei thought about how he lost Hinata, he couldn’t blame anyone but himself. Hinata himself was the last person he could blame.

Hinata always fought for them, he always aimed for their relationship to last. It was too bad that Kei got in the way, blocking his, _their_ path. While Hinata wanted to move, reach for something ahead of them, Kei planted himself like a tree and refused to do it. Hinata was a call to motion, constantly chasing after something he wanted, unstoppable, but, before, Kei was a scared boy and he grew to be a scared man. Hinata always got what he wanted but, with Kei, he couldn’t achieve that, for he needed Kei to be by his side to reach for it. And he wasn’t.

And now, Kei had to deal with the aftermath of his former absence.

Even before, during high school, Hinata was always there, like a constant reminder in the back of his mind. An explosive presence on court. He pushed Kei forward to work harder, to become a better version of himself, fight for the things he wanted as well. Kei was forever grateful for that.

Maybe that was all left for him, silent gratefulness and constant longing and regret for what he didn't say. He wasn’t able to hold Hinata when he finally decided to leave, but Kei knew that he was going to hold onto those remaining feelings for as long as he could, maybe in a fruitless attempt at having Hinata for longer.

At that point, Kei had ceased to prepare his drinks. Instead, he was drinking shots of his kahlúa, swinging the cups back and letting the liquor leave a burning trail on his throat. As the invisible sun in the cloudy sky started to make its way down, slowly welcoming the moon and the night, Kei was completely drunk already, head spinning with each remembrance, the flashes lapsing quickly through his mind like comets running through dark skies.

Half aware of what he was doing, Kei reached for his phone laying on the coffee table in front of him, its screen pitch black. He placed his thumb over it, instantly unlocking it with his digital. Kei starred at his background, a doodled dinosaur Yachi had drew for him years back, until the screen darkened and, eventually, locked again. He proceeded to unlock it once more, tapping against the screen to press pause on the playlist and fiddling aimlessly with it until he opened his message app. On his most recent contacts stood Akiteru – with his overly and unnecessary worried texts –, Yamaguchi spamming him with stupidly wise advice, Yachi – with her badly concealed attempts at checking on him – and Koganegawa, bothering him with trivialities.

Kei passed his eyes quickly through all of those until he found the icon with a Hinata picture attached to it. He clicked on the tiny circle to expand it, being displayed with the sunny, gorgeous smile Hinata was always sporting. In the picture, he was wearing his Black Jackals jersey and Kei missed the feeling of being able to be proud of him, pleased at the heights he had reached.

He took a look at their previous conversations, scrolling up before they stopped talking. Hinata didn’t send him _‘good mornings’_ that Kei secretly loved anymore, he didn’t send selfies of him practicing and fooling around with Bokuto-san and he didn’t send dumb bird videos either.

He missed him so badly.

After weeks of radio silence, of denial and petulance and stubbornness, Kei could admit that he missed Hinata Shouyou. And he wanted him back. Without thinking about what he was doing, with alcohol coating his actions and sleep slowly advancing on his tired body, Kei pressed his thumb over the audio feature, starting to record a message.

“You know,” Kei started, settling himself against the couch cushions, “every time I think about you, it’s with a sense of lateness. Of stuff I couldn’t understand back then or was… or I was too late to reach for it – when I did understand it – and too late to say the things that I needed to. The things that I wanted you to hear.”

“But I guess it does make some sort of sense.” Kei shrugged, even though he was alone and no one could see him. “Looking back at it, you were always miles ahead of myself, looking up and forward. Even back in high school.”

He sighed as more memories filled his mind, of how Hinata moved on court and was greedy and hungry for everything he wanted. A beautiful beast was what he was. After moments of silence, Kei resumed his monologue. “You were always like that, always running forward and chasing after what you wanted… I wasn’t- I just never was able to catch up. And you left me behind.”

Kei released a choked up laugh as the words fell from his lips without much filter, spilling his thoughts with no particular logic. He felt tears pooling on his eyes. “Who am I trying to fool saying that bullshit? You and I both know that the problem wasn’t that you didn’t wait for me, but that I was too scared to hold your hand when you reached for mine and chase for that middle ground together with you.”

“Anyway, I guess that was a lesson I needed to learn… sooner or later.” One lone tear slid down his cheek, the salted drop clinging to his skin until it fell down onto his shirt. “I’m just glad you endured me for so long, I’m glad for the time I had with you and… and I’m never letting go of it.”

‘I’m just- I’m just extremely mad at myself, y’know?” He sniffed, more tears trailing down his pale skin. “I’m so frustrated that I am this… this _difficult_ person, so hard to deal with. And I know that you had to deal with my bullshit until you couldn’t anymore. Until it became too much. And I hate myself for putting you through that.”

Kei roughly wiped his face with the back of his hand, angry tears falling from his eyes, a sob breaking free from his chest. “And you know what, Hinata? I want to get to a point in my life where I can just love myself. Appreciate the things about me. Not because I like the way I look in someone else’s eyes but because I like the way I look in the mirror. Because, and I guess you know that as well, people are not guaranteed. You left me. You fucking got away from me and left a bunch of your stuff around my house. And every day I have to deal with finding some new shit of yours.”

Kei breathed harshly in order to ground himself, unbothered to wipe the tears that fell freely then. “I’m the only guarantee in my life, you know? So I want me to be in love with me. That’s what I’m going to aim for right now. So that I don’t need someone else to do it.”

“Maybe… by doing that, I can be a better lover for someone in the future. As to not put that burden on innocent shoulders.” He said, more calmly, tired of being sad and miserable all the time, sleepy from his intoxicated veins. Then, Kei chuckled, laughing at himself. “I don’t think I can ever be with someone else, though, so I guess it won’t be of any use. I don’t think you want me back either so I’ll have to deal with loneliness.”

“Ha! A taste of my own medicine, am I right?”

“Anyway, I don’t know why I’m sending you this.” He sighed, eyelids dropping. “After you didn’t reach out and I didn’t reach out either. I guess it’s really over then. I just didn’t want this to end with you leaving and closing the door behind you while I couldn’t utter a word. You never deserved someone like me; you deserved someone who could treat you right. I never knew how to do that when we were together.”

“Because of that, I- I just wanted to say that… _I am sorry_. I’m sorry for what I put you through.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not really sure how i feel about this but i hope you liked it, part two will be posted soon (i hope ◉_◉)  
> lmao i entered the kahlúa website to check their drinks to write this, as someone obsessed with coffee, everything looks very good.  
> btw, you have no idea how crazy my brazilian ass is about the brazil arc, i'm obsessed with it.


	2. But it seems to wanna stick around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took a while, i hope you'll like it :)
> 
> (flashbacks are still in italics btw!)

_Kei was an observant person._

_He was perfectly capable of noticing the subtle shifts in the way Shouyou was behaving around him. How, instead of spreading Kei’s legs to sit between them when they were chilling in a calm afternoon, he sat on the other end of the tiny couch, fiddling with his phone while Kei busied himself with a book. How, when he thought Kei wasn’t looking, he gazed at him with sadness coating his amber eyes, roaming orbs seeming to capture his features as to not forget about them. How, sometimes, he withdrew himself from Kei, just to crash against him later, frantically kissing and tugging and claiming, like he was scared to lose him. How, during their shared moments of intimacy, he touched Kei like it was his last chance to do so, desperate and unwilling to let go, fingers gripping hard and bruising, even if every touch of his lips felt like a farewell._

_Their discussions were increasing in number and intensity as well. Sometimes, Shouyou would leave Kei’s apartment with his face red from anger and frustration, tears pooling in his big, expressive eyes. Then, he would not come back for a couple of days. Each of those times Kei wondered if that was it, if Shouyou was finally done and fed up with him and his hurtful, careless words. But then, Shouyou would come back, throwing himself in Kei’s arms with the force of an apocalyptic hurricane, apologies tumbling from his lips followed by another set of fresh tears. Apologies that Kei, most of the time, didn’t bother to reciprocate. He would simply welcome Shouyou in his arms, glad to have him back, glad that the other didn’t decide to leave for good. Shouyou would kiss him, then, and Kei would feel safe again, warm in the realm of Shouyou’s squeezing and trembling arms and he would forget all about the previous discussion, pushing it out of his mind. They didn’t talk about it._

_Even though he knew that wasn’t the right thing to do._

_Kei knew that their time together was fleeting, escaping through his long fingers like sand in an hourglass. There would be a time when Shouyou would leave after Kei disregarded him with some cruel remarks and wouldn’t come back. And when that happened, Kei would have to deal with his ineptitude and refusal to fix things up. Kei would have to deal with it alone, without his sun to pull him out of his bed and lend him a helpful hand._

_Kei knew all of that and, yet, he was unable to do something about it. He couldn’t pull Shouyou to his arms and hold him as tight as he wanted, because then, Shouyou would be aware of his dependence and the extent of his unsustainable love. It would be so tight Shouyou wouldn’t be able to breathe and he wouldn’t be fine with that. Kei was going to chase him away either way. Either because he couldn’t barely whisper about how he felt or either because his feelings were too oppressive. Overall, Kei was incapable to bear his soul open to Shouyou to see, show all of his scars and vulnerabilities, for he was too scared that Shouyou wouldn’t like what he eventually saw._

_Even when Shouyou made it clear that he wanted all of Kei, and desperately begged and cried for it, Kei couldn’t do it. He couldn’t give himself fully._

_So Kei took what he could get, for now. He enjoyed the time he had left, the one he knew only decreased, after each day and each fight. He relished the time Shouyou somehow still dedicated to him. And he touched and kissed and claimed what soon wouldn’t be his anymore._

_He said his own goodbyes._

–

Kei was startled awake by some incessant and rhythmic noise he couldn’t yet recognize in his barely awake state of mind. He blinked his eyes open, rubbing them and pinching the bridge of his nose to chase the sleepiness away. And then everything got silent again, the bothersome noise ceasing. His flat was dark, only the kitchen lightbulb glowing and scantily illuminating the living room. As the room fell peaceful and quiet again, Kei could take notice of the wretched condition of his body.

He woke up for the second time that day with his head pounding again. This time, it was likely because of the heavy drinking he did earlier, as well as his increasingly messed up sleeping schedule. The back of his neck was sore and his legs were stiff, results of taking a nap on his small, uncomfortable couch. He groaned and rubbed his forehead with his hand, sitting up while joints popped when he stretched his arms and shoulders. He looked down to the floor and found his glasses haphazardly laying there, probably thrown out of his face during his sleep. He clicked his tongue and reached for it, immediately putting them on to check if they didn’t get crooked. Fortunately, they were completely fine. Finally, Kei heaved on a deep sigh and rested his back against the couch’s cushions.

He looked at his coffee table and grimaced. The sight of it was depressing. The half-empty bottle of kahlúa was still uncapped, the cup he was using stood on the edge of the table, balanced. Furthermore, his unfinished bowl of ramen and the plastic containers where the strawberry cake had been were scattered around as well, one fork and his cellphone in between them.

Kei reached for his phone and checked the time, clicking his tongue again. It was past ten in the evening already. He knew he was not going to be able to sleep properly that night, which would further screw up with his sleeping schedule, which then, would lead to a week full of stress and headaches ahead. He definitely wasn’t looking forward to that.

Kei yawned deeply with the remnants of his aborted nap, wondering what had caused the noise that pulled him out of it. He almost jumped up from his seat when, a few moments later, he got his answer in the form of sharp knocks against what could only be his front door. Kei looked over his shoulder with wide eyes, slumber completely vanishing from his body and panic settling in his bones as the person behind the door rapped their knuckles against the wood in quick successions, seemingly unbothered by the silent flat and the lack of response on the resident’s part. The noise continued steadily, Kei staring at his locked door and wishing he could see who was behind it, as his raced heart started to match its beating to the deafening sound. Kei felt like the sound grew louder and louder until it suddenly stopped again.

Kei was up on his feet before he realized what he was doing.

He continued to stare dumbly at his closed door as if it contained all the answers he desperately needed. He heard a quiet thump then, and his throat constricted with it. At the same time that Kei felt like all the air had left his lungs, leaving him breathless and gasping, he also felt his breathing getting deeper, cold and heavy air invading his body only to be released seconds later, his chest heaving.

Kei had an idea of who might be behind that door, but he feared it was wishful thinking on his part. Why would he, now of all times, come back?

Kei tentatively stepped forward, rounding his couch to approach the wall and turn on the lights. Just as he did, the knocking started again, seemingly more insistent and hurried than before, bordering on the desperation Kei only recognized in himself. He looked at the dark wood as he walked towards it, every step slow and arduous, as he moved closer and closer. It was as if a shred of hope was pulling him forward, something he could not ignore, something that reached into his core and shook him beyond measure. His heart hammered against his tight chest, softening the tense muscle until he was standing in front of his door, the knocking more clear than ever.

He grabbed his keys on the small hanger by the door and inserted the right one in the lock, turning it to unlock the door. The sound the lock made was loud and imposing, the knocking stopping instantly upon hearing it. Kei expected the door to burst open as it always did when he unlocked it, but it remained closed, old wood staring back at him.

He guessed it was time for him to realize that things weren’t like always anymore.

With a sigh, Kei slowly curled his fingers around the doorknob, the cold metal of the handle surprisingly grounding in that moment of uncertainty and probable futile hope. He gripped it hard and breathed deeply, considering his options, considering what he wanted to say, considering everything that was at stake.

Tsukishima Kei wasn’t one to chase after what he wanted – he never was –, but having the chance presenting itself to him, it wasn’t like he going to pass it up. Moreover, he wasn’t one to repeat mistakes either.

He knew what he needed to do, now.

Kei released a breath he was holding and forced the tension out of his body. He looked at the closed door for one last time before slipping his eyes closed. He gripped the doorknob tighter and turned it.

He opened his door.

–

_“Why won’t you open up to me?” Shouyou cried, hands reaching to grip Kei’s wrists, distraught fingers gripping hard at the skinny arm. It was a last cry for understanding on Shouyou’s part, him kneeling on the mattress and holding onto Kei as another discussion bloomed between the couple. “I am you boyfriend!”_

_Kei yanked his hands away, the cold air instantly biting at his skin no longer warmed by Shouyou’s touch. He felt his throat constricting with the anxiety of another fight, the prospect of losing Shouyou too real and palpable._

_Shouyou wanted to move forward and he wanted to do that with Kei of all people. And as much as Kei wished for the same thing, he wasn’t able to compromise to it, uneasiness crawling through his skin. He felt scared and unsafe, the need to protect himself growing heavy. Even when he knew that Shouyou was the best thing to ever happen to him – that he was safe from harm –, he couldn’t help but close himself._

_“That doesn’t mean-” Kei started, instantly cutting himself._

_Kei could feel the weight of Shouyou staring at his back, the other man breathing heavily from the increasingly shouted, unfiltered words._

_“What?” He said, getting up from the bed. “What? Say it!”_

_Kei clicked his tongue, turning on his heels to leave his bedroom, Shouyou following him right after. He never backed down from anything, after all._

_“That doesn’t mean what, Kei?” Shouyou pressed, voice raising. “Give me an answer!”_

_Kei sighed and turned again to face Shouyou, meeting his tired eyes. It was always that same issue, one of them reaching forward while the other pulled away._

_“I don’t have to open up to you.” He finally said, closing his eyes as the words fell from his mouth and Shouyou took a step back, flinching. “I don’t have to tell you stuff… Can I at least keep things to myself? Huh, can I?”_

_“Of course you can, you asshole.” He fired back. “You can keep all the stuff you want to yourself. But not when we are talking about us, about a relationship that involves two beings. Do you fucking understand what I’m talking about?”_

_Kei stared as Shouyou shouted back at him, piercing eyes focused on his coward ones. Kei felt a shiver running through his spine, coldness coating his limbs as Shouyou grew more frustrated, insults falling from his trembling lips._

_Kei had to look down at Shouyou to properly gaze at him, but in that moment, he felt smaller than ever._

_“Did you ever think about any of this?” Shouyou asked, one hand shoving his shoulder in anger. He barely stumbled back. Yes, Kei thought about that all the goddamn time, he thought about how stupid and frightened he was, intimidated by the pure fire that Shouyou was – warm and inviting at the same time that it was burning and dangerous._

_“I’m tired of fighting over this.” Kei sighed, not realizing the implication of his words._

_Shouyou looked at him, chest heaving in the aftermath of his shouting. One fat tear slid down his cheek as he gazed at Kei in that unique way of his, as if he was memorizing Kei’s features inside his head. It was then that Kei realized his mistakes, the words he said, the way he was foolish to think he still had time._

_As he looked at the tears rolling down Shouyou’s cheeks, Kei realized that Shouyou was tired of reaching for him when Kei only escaped his fingers._

_“I’m tired of it too.” He said with a finality that was scary, confirming what Kei was then realizing._

_Kei’s fingers tingled with the desire to reach for Shouyou, brush his tears away and say the things that he never did before. But was that fair to him? Was it fair to keep silent for so long and only say things when he was on the verge of losing him? It was selfish, that was what it was. Nothing more than selfish._

_He clenched his fist, pushing caring desires away, because it wouldn’t be fair to Shouyou. He felt his nails breaking the tender skin of his palms and clenched the fists tighter. He had caused all of that to himself, it was his own fault._

_Now that it was there, Kei didn’t want to believe it. He didn’t want to accept it._

_Shouyou wiped at his tears with the back of his hands, new ones instantly running down, droplets of it clinging to his ginger lashes and Kei hated himself for thinking that even when crying, Shouyou was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. Kei had made him cry so many times during their time together and maybe, it was time to let him go. Because even if he was pretty when he cried, there was no comparison whatsoever when he smiled._

_And Kei thought he had put more tears in his eyes than smiles on his lips._

_“You know,” Shouyou sniffled, still fruitlessly wiping his tears. “If you can’t give me anything, I don’t know what I’m doing here. This has to work both ways, Kei.”_

_A sob broke from Shouyou’s throat, him gasping with it. Kei almost stumbled forward, almost pulled him to his arms to hold him. Almost._

_Instead, he stayed silent._

_“You never told me things, you never opened up to me.” Shouyou started again, Kei hated how he was speaking in the past tense, as if things were really done, and there was no turning back. “And, at first, I accepted it because I know you express things in a different way and I just had to learn how to read your affection for me. But then, I got accustomed with being left in the dark, I got used with you dismissing me. I don’t wanna sound demanding or whatever, now of all times, but…”_

_It wasn’t even a discussion anymore, it was just Shouyou venting out his frustrations, things he kept bottled up and things that he swallowed even when they tasted bitter that, now, were spilling, overflowing._

_“But you never-” He sniffled again, looking down at his feet for the first time. “You never even told me if you loved me.”_

_The words were like a knife to the chest, sharp and twisting in between bloody flesh._

_“I’m so sad this isn’t working anymore.” He mumbled, almost inaudible. “I don’t think I want to be in a relationship where I’m the only one willing to say things, to communicate and to fight for it.”_

_Kei watched as Shouyou turned away from him, rubbed furiously at his eyes and nose. He watched as Shouyou tried to control his sobs, the ugly, despairing sounds filling every corner of his flat and settling there. He watched as Shouyou took his phone laying on the coffee table, slipped it in the back pocket of his jeans, and proceeded to put on his sneakers to leave._

_Kei simply watched him, not attempting to stop him, not uttering a word. He had no right._

_Shouyou turned one last time, red-rimmed eyes staring sadly at him. There was no regret in them, Shouyou was always truthful and he held onto them until he couldn’t anymore. Kei, on the other hand, was filled with regret and nothing more. Pure and hypocritical regret. Then Shouyou smiled a faint smile, barely a tilt of his lips, eyes getting suspiciously moist again._

_“For all I loved you, I loved alone.” Then he opened the door and left._

–

_Kei watched as Shouyou closed the door softly behind himself, his throat closing with it, his breathing getting shallower as air become scarce. He could barely get any air in his lungs, insides convulsing in anguish. Eventually, his knees met the floor, his body collapsing forward, eyes still glued to the closed door._

_He had done it. He finally had driven Shouyou away and now, Shouyou had decided to accept all of his attempts. He left._

_A loud, desperate sob broke from his chest, deafening in the now silent apartment, devoid of laughter and shouts. Tears rolled down his cheeks freely, unstoppable and regretful, Kei gasping with the force of his crying and with the sobs that came like punches to the gut._

_He had so many opportunities before to tell him how he felt, to communicate and save what they had, but he missed them all, and now it was too late. It hurt that Shouyou didn’t have any idea, not a single clue, of how much Kei loved him, how ingrained in his core those feelings were. And Kei couldn’t blame him, it was all his own fault for never being able to simply verbally reciprocate what Shouyou was giving him the whole time._

_What hurt the most, though, was how Shouyou said “for all I loved you, I loved alone” and how he said it in the past tense. Because, after everything, he got tired of Kei and his feelings fleeted. There was no love for Kei in him anymore. Shouyou was done with him._

–

_When Shouyou didn’t come back by the end of the week, Kei knew for sure that they were done for._

_It was over._

–

“Hey.” Hinata said softly as they came face to face with each other, the door ajar.

He stood on the hallway with confidence in his body, Kei noted. He was never one to do things half-assedly, after all. While Kei let the familiar sound of Hinata’s voice wash over his body, he took in the sight of him, weeks after going without it. He looked mostly the same, pretty as he have always been, bright hair curling at the ends, determinate eyes set on Kei. What was surprising, though, was the faint darkish circles beneath his eyes, as if Hinata was struggling with sleep as well, even when Kei knew he was almost religious about it. Hinata was still beautiful, but he looked fatigued, as if he was _hurting_ as well, of all things.

“What are you doing here, Hinata?” It was out of his mouth before Kei could stop it.

“Can we talk?” Hinata kindly asked. Kei hated those three words because it inevitably made him remember about confessions, warm nights, innocent kisses and teenager hopes, everything that was past him, beyond his grasp. Hinata always uttered that question so softly, looking at him beneath long, ginger lashes, giving Kei an option to say _‘no’_ , giving him a possible, available outing and Kei was a goner.

“I don’t need your pity.” He answered instead, aware of what his recorded message entailed. Kei was going to slap himself sometime soon, or maybe shove his fist in his mouth to shut himself up.

_Do not screw this again._

“I’m not here to pity you.” Hinata replied honestly, not flinching, not batting an eye.

“Then why are you coming here now, of all times?” _Shut up!_

“I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to.” He shrugged. “Before, that is.”

“And now you are sure of something?”

“Yeah.” He nodded surely. “I’m sure of the same thing I was back then.”

Kei didn’t know what Hinata meant by that but, figuring they needed to have a longer conversation than one held on his front door, Kei opened the door wider and stepped to the side, allowing Hinata to enter the flat. “Come on in.” He murmured.

Hinata whispered a quiet _‘pardon for the intrusion’_ under his breath as he toed his shoes off and stepped inside. It hurt to watch the foreignness in Hinata’s movements, in his approach to Kei’s space now, as he went through the formalities and stood awkwardly to the side, as if he didn’t belong there anymore. Kei wanted to throw all of those misplaced words and the discomfort he could sense in Hinata’s stance out of the window, away from both of them. He wanted to pull Hinata to his arms and hold him, not have to talk about it, let the problems fade away as soon as he touched Hinata again. However, Kei knew that wasn’t an option anymore. If Hinata looked alien to Kei’s world now, it was because Kei had refused to talk about it sooner, and it led them to part ways.

Therefore, Kei ignored the urge to make things as they were before, he denied the impulse to pretend he didn’t need to change, that they could return to what they used to be. Instead, Kei shut the door softly behind them and allowed the words clinging to his throat to hang as heavy as they felt, scared to finish their way up and be uttered by Kei, but still holding onto his chest firmly, unwilling to let go and slowly, calmly making their way to the tip of his tongue.

When he led them to his living room, Kei instantly noticed when Hinata’s eyes took in the condition of his coffee table. His lips twisted sadly at the messy sight of it all, his eyes searching for Kei’s. Kei, though, diverted his own orbs; they had more important matters to talk about than Kei’s slightly unhealthy coping mechanisms.

“You can sit anywhere, Hinata.” He said as he started gathering the trash. “Give me just a minute, please.”

Kei didn’t bother to clean up properly, he only placed everything on the kitchen counter and then, rushed to his bathroom, quickly brushing his teeth and swallowing a pill for his headache. Not that he could really focus on the irritating throbs of pain when Hinata was once again inside his apartment, but either way he wanted to give the other his undivided attention.

In an attempt at grounding himself, Kei breathed deeply before joining Hinata once again in the living room. Hinata sat on the cheap armchair Kei barely used, eyes focused on the ground as Kei sat on the couch, facing him. They stayed silent for a few long minutes, gathering thoughts, choosing the right words.

A thunder resounded somewhere away from them and Kei shifted his eyes to gaze at Hinata, who was fiddling with his own fingers.

“Hinata-”

“Why did you send me that?” Hinata blurted, meeting Kei’s eyes.

Kei blinked at him, surprised by the sudden outburst, but he guessed it was predictable that Hinata wanted to know about that. “Because I was drunk.” He started. “I’m going to be honest with you, I probably wouldn’t have sent it if I was sober. I don’t regret it, though.”

“I swear I-” Hinata breathed, cracking his composed posture to rake a hand through his hair. “I don’t get you most of the time. You just-”

“Look,” Kei interrupted, sensing that Hinata was a bit confused. He was never well articulated with his thoughts, but when it came to feelings, Hinata was years ahead of Kei. “Let me just explain myself and then we can... Anyway, the message I sent you was a mess and it didn’t actually say what I really wanted to tell you.”

Hinata had his eyes on Kei, unblinking and completely focused, not missing a word Kei released one at a time, catching each one of them as if they were precious things he needed to protect. It was wonderful at the same time that it was consuming to have Hinata’s attention once again on him.

“I was so dumb to only realize what I was doing wrong after losing you.” Kei sighed, resuming his monologue. He hoped Hinata would listen to him until the end and, if he decided to leave once again, that he would do so without any hatred towards Kei. “Or, for a better wording, what I _wasn’t_ doing. I’m so sorry you had to endure my silence for so long, I’ll never be able to know how much that hurt you.”

“When I looked back at our relationship, I only looked at the good parts of it, you know?” Kei looked up briefly from his clasped hands to meet Hinata’s eyes. “Such as our last golden week in third year and our first dates in cheap ramen places in Miyagi, watching volleyball together before you left for Brazil, or when you practically moved in when you came back and how we spent those days together.”

Kei choked on a sob, one lone tear falling on his hands. “Shit, fuck.” He cursed, trying to hide the fact that he was crying already. He could tell that Hinata saw it all, though, and Kei was glad that he immediately didn’t reach for him, giving him space. Kei needed to be able to say everything and, if Hinata touched him, he wouldn’t be able to do it. “What I’m trying to say is that after… after we broke up, I- I looked back and analyzed everything, not only the good parts. And… and I saw how much of an asshole I was being to you, I understood that I was hurting you so bad and that you had to endure all of my bullshit. Fuck, I can’t bear to think of how much of an-”

A loud sob rippled from his chest, interrupting his rambled confessions. Kei saw Hinata almost leaping from his seat, an aborted movement towards him. “I’m fine, it’s ok. I _need_ to say this or… or else, I don’t know, I just- I just need you to listen to me.”

“’kay.” Hinata whispered softly.

He released a heavy breath and wiped the tears pooling beneath his glasses. “I get it now. I realize how negligent I was of your feelings by not opening up about mine. It should be so simple, right? I’m not asking you to forgive me or anything like that, you don’t owe me anything, I am the one in debt here. You gave me everything and I gave you nothing in return.”

Hinata was shaking his head in disagreement silently, his eyes sad and wet. “But I need to tell you this, Hinata. If this is the way we reach our end, then that’s fine. But I need to tell you this, or else I’m going to live in regret for the rest of my days.”

Kei bit his lower lip, met Hinata’s eyes across the room and let the tears flow down freely. “I’m sorry I never said this before.”

“I love you. I have loved you for so long and I still do. I miss you. And I love you, Hinata.”

Hinata was crying as copiously as Kei himself, choking on gasps as he covered his mouth and rubbed his eyes, skin red around the blinking orbs as he released sounds that Kei couldn’t tell if they were sobs or halted laughter.

“You idiot.” Hinata said, finally looking at him. He smiled and cried at the same time, a catastrophe of contradictory emotions. He was a mess. He was still pretty. “Why are you calling me ‘Hinata’, Kei?”

Kei choked on laughter then, confusion and insecurity and fear still as present as ever in his body, but Hinata was calling him by his first name and that was a kind of warmth Kei wasn’t sure he was ever going to experience again. He welcomed it gladly.

Hinata then – or rather, _Shouyou_ – got up from the armchair and joined Kei on the couch, sitting down and facing him. With trembling hands, he slowly cupped Kei’s cheeks, brushing away his falling tears as Kei leaned into his missing touch. Shouyou nodded wordlessly after a while and Kei reached for him with his own hands, circling his neck and burying his fingers in his hair as he brought him closer for a hug.

He squeezed him as tight as he wanted and Shouyou only sighed in content against his chest.

He breathed him in and Shouyou still smelled like summer fruits, even when a there was a cold storm outside.

He loved him like he never loved anyone else and he hoped Shouyou still felt the same way.

“If you ever decide to give me a second chance,” Kei whispered, lips pressed against Shouyou’s hair, eyes closed as he relished the feel of Shouyou’s body against his own. “I want you to know that I would grasp it with all I have and that I would do things right for you. I wouldn’t repeat the same mistakes again, if one day you want me back.”

“You idiot.” He repeated, chuckling against Kei’s chest, hands fisting the back of Kei’s shirt. “What do you think I’m doing here?”

Shouyou disentangled their bodies to look up at Kei. “You know I love you too. I missed you too.”

Then, he smiled; that bright, large smile spreading on his lips until his eyes slipped closed, remnants of tears escaping through his lids. He was the most beautiful person Kei had ever seen. And he was smiling at him.

“Kei.” He called, the name rolling from his lips like sticky honey, sounding like being back home. A happy grin was still dancing on his face, his cheeks colored pink. “Let’s get back together, okay?”

–

_“I love you.” He whispered._

_Shouyou’s breathing was still steady by his side on the bed, blissfully unaware. Kei’s eyes raked over his form as moonlight shone over his skin, illuminating the planes of his body in uneven patterns._

_“Love you so much.”_

–

“I’m home.” Kei announced as he took his shoes off on the apartment’s genkan.

“Oh, hey!” Shouyou greeted from the couch, legs dangling from the edge. “How was work?”

“Fine. Just like always.” He replied. “How was your practice?”

Kei walked the short distance from the door to the couch, smiling down at the other. Shouyou was splayed over the couch cushions, shorts riding high on his thick and strong thighs and tank top barely covering his tanned torso. Outside, the sun was setting lazily, basking the room with a golden haze. Shouyou’s skin glowed with it, tempting and seductive.

“It was good.” Shouyou answered, putting his phone aside and making grabby hands at Kei. He instantly got rid of his bag and climbed over Shouyou, tangling their legs and burying his face on the bony crook of Shouyou’s neck. “Sakusa-san sprayed hand sanitizer on his shoulder after Bokuto-san slapped him on his back.”

“Ha-ha, Bokuto-san never changes.” Kei chuckled, warm puffs of air tingling Shouyou’s skin and making shivers run over it.

Shouyou let his hands roam over Kei’s broad back, finally coming to a rest on his lower back, eager fingers teasing the gentle curve of his ass. “What are you doing?” Kei asked, even when he was leaning subtly into the addicting caresses.

“Hm, I can ask you the same thing.” Shouyou replied, words catching in an almost imperceptible gasp as Kei latched his lips on his neck, sucking softly. He shifted their bodies until his knee was pressing between Shouyou’s legs, applying pressure and teasing him back. At that, Shouyou grabbed his shirt and pulled it until he was able to untuck it from his pants, pushing his burning palms beneath the fabric to be able to feel skin.

Kei’s back flexed under Shouyou’s nails and he withdrew from Shouyou’s neck to meet his boyfriend’s lips in a gentle, yet fervent, kiss, pulling and nipping and worshiping it. In between deep kisses and curious hands and tugging at hair strands, the burning desire for each other grew and they fumbled their movements with barely any grace.

Shouyou was reaching for the buckle on Kei’s belt when suddenly they lost balance in the narrow couch and fell to the floor in a mess of limbs, Kei grunting when his back collapsed on the floor, Shouyou on top of him. The slight ache on his muscles was forgotten as soon as Kei realized that Shouyou was laughing on top of him, chest shaking as he grinned down at Kei.

“You are dumb.” Kei said, but his tone was filled with fondness.

“You are just as dumb.” Shouyou retorted, crawling up his body to place a peck on his lips. Kei chuckled at that, unbothered to reply to the childish bait. He was too far gone to do that.

“You’re pretty.” He added instead.

“You’re gorgeous.” Shouyou answered, smiling softly, his thumbs brushing lovingly at his cheeks.

“Love you.” Kei continued.

“I love you.” Shouyou whispered back, two of his fingers gently pushing Kei’s glasses up on his nose. He gazed at Kei’s eyes unhurriedly – not like he was afraid to forget him if he didn’t, but simply because he could –, delicate smile growing until it turned mischievous. “Now, where were we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you a lot for giving this a read! (this little thing at the end is just an excuse to write domestic fluff)  
> oh btw, i made a playlist for this fic :) you can find it [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7nxTHmpMko3vW2kxShHH2k?si=a8hWbv4SRhqERlG9ZRPH4A)
> 
> come shout with me about haikyuu on twitter, i swear i'm a nice person lmao

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading this!  
> kudos and comments make this writer the happiest!
> 
> [tt: @singlecelledorg](https://twitter.com/singlecelledorg) [spotify acc](https://open.spotify.com/user/isse_rodarte?si=fK7L8TaPRjSG8kMXKt89oA)


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